


deeply (painfully) in love with you

by booksandmovies



Category: The Mortal Instruments
Genre: Angst, F/M, Happy Ending, Jalec FTW, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-01
Updated: 2014-07-01
Packaged: 2018-02-07 00:05:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1877565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksandmovies/pseuds/booksandmovies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s okay, Izzy. I’m his best friend. I have to do this.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	deeply (painfully) in love with you

_Alexander, you’re going to be a good friend and be happy for him. You can do this._ Alec took a deep breath, straightening his clothes, staring at his own reflection in the mirror.

“Alec? You ready?”  Isabelle knocked, her voice slightly muffled by the door.

Alec grabbed his stele on the bed before opening the door. Isabelle, took in the sight of her brother. His raven black hair, slightly damp from shower, his blue orbs, his mouth curved up in a too-bright smile. Isabelle sighed, searching his eyes as she squeezed his arm lightly. “You okay?”

Alec nodded, his smile still wide, even as he took another fortifying breath. “Yeah, come on, let’s go before Jace wonder about our whereabouts.” Alec took a step forwards but Isabelle moved swiftly and stood before Alec, blocking him. “Hey, look at me.” Isabelle called. Alec did as told. “It’s really okay not to come, you know, I could just tell Jace you’re… sick or something.”

Alec chuckled, staring into Isabelle’s eyes, patting her cheek briefly. “No, Jace would find out that I’m not really sick and then eyebrows would be raised, you know that.”

Isabelle didn’t crack a smile. “Whatever. I can come up with an excuse. I just—I want you to know that even though this thing is important to Jace, your feelings are important too, Alec. I’m worried about you, okay?”

Alec softened. He was incredibly touched by his sister’s concern, grateful for her presence and support. “It’s okay, Izzy. I’m his best friend. I have to do this.”

_I have to do this, Izzy. I need to move on. I need to really convince myself that Jace is completely out of my league. It’s going to be painful, but I need the pain. I need the pain to wake me up, to get rid of any thoughts of Jace ever wanting to be with me, because it’s just not going to happen._

Alec didn’t say any of those but Isabelle searched his eyes and gave him a nod, as if she understood him completely. With that, Alec and Isabelle left the Institute, heading for Clary’s apartment.

Alec and Isabelle made it all the way to the front door of Clary’s apartment. Just as Alec raised his fist to knock on the door, though, Isabelle stopped him. “Are you sure you’re ready?” Isabelle asked once again, her fingers curled around Alec’s raised arm in a firm grip. Once again she stared into his eyes, giving his arm another squeeze and a questioning nod. It was as if she was telling him that it was still okay to cancel this, it was still okay if he wanted to back out. Alec nodded, giving her a wan smile. “Yeah, I’m ready.” Isabelle gazed at him for a few seconds before nodding, exhaling, looking as nervous as Alec felt. She removed her grip on Alec’s arm.

Alec knocked on the door. Once, twice. They heard shuffling from the other side of the door, saw an eye look into the peephole, then finally they heard the click of the door being opened. Alec’s lips curved up into a wider smile as the door swung open to reveal Jace, dressed in casual clothes. A black soft-looking knitted sweater coupled with worn jeans. Jace wore a happy, relieved expression. “You guys made it.”

Alec grinned. “Of course we did.”

“Come in.” Jace opened the door wide enough for them to come in before closing the door shut. Jace led them to the dining room and Alec could hear familiar voices and noises coming from the room. They were greeted by the sight of various kinds of food in plates and bowls set neatly on the dining table. Jocelyn was standing by the stove, Luke beside her, both seemed to be focused on the pot on the stove and its contents. Simon and Clary were seated at the dining table. Simon was flipping through the pages of what seemed to be a gaming magazine, Clary leaning in to also get a good look at it. As soon as they stepped into the dining room, however, Clary looked up and her face brightened up.

“Izzy! Alec! Hey! We were waiting for you.” She smiled widely and Alec’s grin dimmed slightly as he remembered why he was here in the first place. Jace and Clary were getting engaged, and they didn’t want any big party to celebrate it. Instead, they decided to hold a special dinner and to invite close friends and family. Jocelyn, Luke and Simon were invited, and so was Alec and Isabelle. Maryse, Robert and Max were also invited, but unfortunately they couldn’t make it, as Robert had some business in Idris.

As he thought about the engagement, Alec’s eyes landed on the glistening silver band around Clary’s ring finger, and he felt a pang of sadness and pain. It was another reminder that, yes, soon Jace was going to get married. He was going to get married with _Clary._ The brave redhead who stole his heart within moments after meeting him, while Alec had stood by his side for years, caring for him, loving him, protecting him, only to be _ignored—no, Alec,_ ** _stop._**

Alec broke out of his reverie and it was then he noticed that the whole room was staring at him. Alec paled. “Uh, sorry. What?”

“We ran out of ice cream and we forgot to buy some earlier in the grocery store, so I was wondering if you would come with me to buy some in a nearby convenience store?” Clary asked. “The dinner won’t be the same without ice cream.” She added. Alec looked around briefly, Jace looked amused, Isabelle looked incredibly concerned, while the rest of them just looked confused.

Alec blinked again as he processed Clary’s question. Out of all of them, why did Clary choose _him?_ But then he realized that the whole room was still staring at him, clearly waiting for an answer, so he just nodded quickly. “Yeah, sure. Why not? Let’s go.” He smiled brightly and Clary returned his smile. It was then he realized that Clary had her bag with her, all ready to go. “Let’s go, then. We’ll be back in a few minutes!” She exclaimed as she approached the front door, Alec following her dumbly, still not entirely sure of what was happening.

A few moments later, Alec found himself on the streets walking beside Clary, heading towards the convenience store.

“Alec.” Clary called.

“Hm?” Alec responded.

 “I’m… I’m sorry.” She started. Alec paused in his tracks. “ _Don’t._ ” He warned, his eyes fixed on the ground, his jaw clenched. He _knew_ there was a reason she wanted him to accompany her to the store.

Clary, who had walked ahead of him, turned around. When he looked up to meet her eyes, he saw that her eyes were apologetic. He found sadness, concern, and _pity._

Alec bristled. He didn’t need her _pity._ He didn’t want to be pitied.

“I—I’m sorry,” Alec apologized as he tried to calm down, “I just—can we not talk about it?” He asked, looking away. There was silence at first, but then he heard a heavy sigh. “…Okay.” She continued to walk and Alec followed her silently, thankful that she dropped the subject. He didn’t want to talk about his feelings with _Clary._ He wasn’t ready, and if he wanted to be honest with himself, he thought he would never want to talk about it with her, even if he could.

They entered the convenience store, the glass door swinging open and the cool air hitting his face as he entered the air-conditioned store. Clary immediately headed to the ice cream section, her eyes scanning rows and rows of different ice cream brands and flavors.

Alec stuffed his hands in his jeans’ pockets as he watched her take three tubs of ice cream with different flavors: vanilla, chocolate, and cookies and cream. She glanced at him as she brought the tubs of ice cream to the cashier. “Do you want to buy anything else?”

Alec shook his head in reply. She pursed her lips, nodding, as she turned back to pay for the ice cream.

“Thank you.” Clary thanked the cashier as she accepted the plastic bag filled with the tubs of ice cream. Clary walked out of the store, Alec walking behind her.

Suddenly, Alec spotted something moving from the corner of his eye. He whirled around and his eyes widened. The color drained from his face.

“Clary.” He called, his voice barely above a whisper.

“What?” Clary asked, as she turned around. She followed his gaze and she paled. “A demon.” The demon lurked in the alley, black smoke around it, its appearance resembling a skeleton wearing a long, black cloak. The demon turned around, noticing their presence. Its eyes glinted maliciously as it stared back at them. Now that it was facing them, Alec could see that it also possessed some long, sharp talons. 

Alec gulped as he shook his head. “A _Greater_ Demon.” He corrected. Alec crouched to grab a short seraph blade he shoved in the tops of his boots earlier. Alec gripped them as he stared at the blade anxiously. He would prefer his bow and arrow compared to it, but he didn’t have a choice now.

The demon hissed and moved forwards, its eyes fixed on Alec. “Clary! Get behind me!”

“Alec, I can fight—”

“Clary! Just do it!” Alec didn’t have time to listen to her response as he quickly whispered to the blade and struck it into the demon’s abdomen. It shrieked in pain and Alec leaned close to pull the blade back out and jumped out of the way as the demon tried to harm him with its talons. As he circled the demon, he observed that the demon had a small amount of flesh in its torso. The flesh was semi-transparent and Alec could see a black thing throbbing steadily in the middle of its chest. The demon’s heart, its weak point. Alec ran towards it, gripping the seraph blade firmly, aiming for the heart but he was quickly knocked aside harshly by the demon, its talons slashing his arm. His body slid across the rough pavement, scraping his skin in the process. He tried to sit up on the ground as the demon stared at him, as if taunting him.

“Alec!” He heard Clary’s voice calling his name, and as he glanced to the side, he saw her approaching him.

“No! No! Clary, stay out of this, run! Just run back home!” He shouted, as he struggled to stand up. To his horror, the demon seemed to also take an interest in Clary. It approached her, preparing to strike at her. With all the strength left in him, Alec ran towards her, pushing her out of the way. “Run, Clary!”

The demon ended up harming him, once again slashing him with its talons, this time raking his left cheek. He screamed, but forced himself to glance to the side.

“Clary, please, just _run!”_  He cried as he stared at her. _Just run, Clary, please just run. I beg you. I have to keep you safe. You have to get away from here, for Jace. Run, Clary._

Maybe it was the urgency in his voice. Maybe it was fear. But she finally followed his words and ran back to the direction of her apartment, the plastic bag filled with the ice cream long abandoned on the ground by a nearby lamp post.

As soon as she was gone, Alec tried to attack the demon with his blade once again, only to get knocked down to the ground. He watched, staring up helplessly as the demon struck its talons deep into his torso. Pain, pain, there was so much pain. He felt something leaking out of him and as the demon pulled out its talons he saw something red coming out of the wounds, staining his clothes. Blood, he realized. His vision blurred, he could barely make up the features of the demon.

_This is it, Alec. This is it. You’re finally going to die._

He closed his eyes as he decided to let go of everything, his head falling to the side, cheek against the cold pavement. _At least you kept Clary safe, Alec._

_I kept her safe for you, Jace. I kept her safe for you._

The last thing he saw before everything blacked out was his own blood forming a puddle on the pavement.

_—_

Jace was lying on the couch, toying with his seraph blade, admiring its gleam under the light in the living room when he heard pounding on the door. He stood up, running to the door to open it. Clary looked panicked, as she ran into the house.

“Alec! He’s— There’s a demon—”

Clary’s frantic behavior had everyone’s attention. “What?” Isabelle furrowed her eyebrows.

“There’s a demon— We met a demon, and Alec is fighting it, he’s hurt—”

Isabelle was out of the door the moment the word ‘hurt’ was out of Clary’s mouth. Jace felt a surge of irrational anger. “And you left him _alone?!”_ He shouted.

“He—He told me to—” Clary stuttered, mildly taken aback by the anger directed at her.

Jace moved without thinking and soon he was also out of the door, even before Clary managed to finish her sentence. The rest of them followed, except Simon.

“Do you want to stay here?” He asked her, eyebrows furrowed in concern. Clary shook her head.

“No, let’s go.”

The two of them left the apartment, following the others ahead of them.

Jace ran as quick as possible. Even though Isabelle was ahead of him, he ran so quick that he was the first person to see Alec.

He froze. Alec.

Alec, with his pale face, eyes closed, lying in a pool of _blood._

The demon was nowhere to be found.

Jace ran towards Alec before kneeling beside him. “Alec, are you okay? Alec, wake up.” He whispered, his hand trembling as he was gripped by pure, intense fear of losing his parabatai. Alec still stayed there motionless. Jace pulled his stele out and began to draw and iratze on Alec’s arm. To his horror, nothing happened. “Alec!” Jace shouted. Jace probably looked deranged, his eyes wide and wild as he shook Alec’s body. Jace gathered Alec in his arms, calling his name repeatedly. “Alec. _Alec.”_ His voice broke, and it was then he realized that he was crying. He reached for Alec’s neck, his hand feeling around for his pulse. He felt a huge wave of relief, as he found Alec’s pulse. Weak, but it was there, nonetheless.

“Alexander, you _idiot._ Why did you stay here alone? _Why?_ Alec— Al—“ Jace broke down completely then, burying his face in the crook of Alec’s neck, trying to soak up whatever warmth is left in Alec’s body.

Then, Jace felt someone try to pull Alec’s body away from his arms, and instinctively, he gripped Alec’s body tightly, refusing to let him be taken away. Then, he heard Isabelle’s voice.

“Jace, we need to get him back to the Institute. Jocelyn called Magnus and he should be there soon. Jace, come on.”

Jace lifted his face and looked at Isabelle. “It’s— I’ll take him. He stays with me.”

There were a few emotions in Isabelle’s eyes as she stared at Jace, but they were gone as quick as they appeared. Isabelle nodded, standing up. “Are you sure you don’t need my help?”

Jace shook his head stubbornly, biting his lower lip. No, he needed Alec to be in his arms.

Though reluctantly, Isabelle stepped back, nodding. “Okay.”

They rushed back to Clary’s apartment, Jace lifting Alec bridal style as he walked, pulling him close, lips resting on Alec’s cold temple. His arms, hands and clothes were stained with Alec’s blood, but he didn’t seem to notice or care about it, and there was an extremely distressed look on his face.

Jace didn’t even notice Clary staring at him, a hurt look on her face.

—

They brought Alec to the Infirmary, where Magnus was already waiting. Jace laid Alec down on one of the beds and Magnus ordered everyone to get out of the Infirmary. Though Jace fought stubbornly to remain in the room, in the end he also had to wait outside the Infirmary with the others.

Clary saw Jace sitting on the floor of the corridor outside the Infirmary, face buried in his arms. She approached him. “Jace—”

“Not now, Clary.” Jace interrupted harshly. Clary winced at the coldness in his voice. She took a deep breath before trying again. “I’m—”

“Why did you leave him alone?” Jace asked, lifting his head up, piercing Clary’s heart with his icy glare. Clary sighed, curling a strand of her red hair behind her ear. “I—I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to help but he wouldn’t let me. He fought the demon and I—I just stood there. Then he told me to run and…” She trailed off.

Jace’s lips were still curved down in that deep frown he had whenever he was deeply upset and his golden eyes were glinting spitefully. “You should’ve helped him. Or if you couldn’t help him, you should’ve come back sooner. If you came back sooner, I could’ve helped him fight the demon. If you came back sooner, maybe he wouldn’t have gotten hurt. If you came back sooner—” Jace sighed heftily as he looked away.

Clary was quiet. It was partly her fault, she knew. But this… Jace had never been so angry at her. She felt sad, hurt and guilty. She knew Jace had the tendency to hurt other people with his words when he was upset, but those hurtful words were rarely directed at her.

He stood up, his shoulders tense. “I don’t know… I don’t know what I would do if— if he di— if something happened to him.” He couldn’t say the word. Just the thought of it…

The door to the Infirmary opened abruptly, revealing Magnus. “He lost a lot of blood, but he’s going to live. Thankfully no vital organs were damaged. The demon poison in him is still neutralizing. He’s still unconscious, but he’s probably going to wake up in a few hours.” He explained. Jace looked relieved, the tension bleeding out of his shoulders. “Thanks, Magnus.” Jace thanked him. Magnus nodded, his face devoid of any emotion, before he walked away.

Jace walked into the Infirmary, closing the door behind him. He walked towards Alec. Alec’s still figure, unconscious, bandages wrapping several parts of his body. Jace felt like crying in relief.

“Alec, I’m so glad you’re okay. If— If anything happened to you…” Jace bit his bottom lip. He sat down on the chair just beside Alec’s bed.

For a few moments, he just sat there in silence, staring at Alec’s figure. His black hair in disarray, his slightly pale face, his eyelashes cascading downwards, his nose, his lips…

Jace took Alec’s cold hand and held it with between his hands. He brought it to his face, letting his temple rest against Alec’s hand.

“Oh, Alec.” He breathed.

—

Alec woke up the next day, early in the morning. Sunlight streamed through the windows of the Infirmary. Alec looked around and tried to sit up before realizing there’s someone sitting at his bedside.

“Jace?” He croaked, his voice raspy from sleep. Jace lifted his head from his arms, which were resting on the bed, blinking sleepily before realizing the situation.

“Alec? You woke up! How are you feeling?” Jace stood up, cupping Alec’s cheek, searching his eyes. Alec gulped nervously at the close proximity. “I’m fine. Have you been staying here all night?” Alec licked his chapped lips, a movement Jace followed with interest.

The next thing Jace knew, he was pressing his lips against Alec’s, hand on Alec’s nape, pulling him close.

Alec froze, eyes wide.

Alec’s lips were warm, wet, and… nice. Jace sucked and licked Alec’s bottom lip with enthusiasm, as he began drawing circles on Alec’s nape with his fingers. Alec was still frozen, not sure of what was happening.

After a moment, Jace pulled back, slightly out of breath, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“I’m glad you’re feeling fine, Alec. And yes, I’ve been staying here all night. Oh, and good morning.” Jace greeted with a grin. “I would love to kiss you some more but I have to let Izzy know you woke up.” He paused as he leaned in, his mouth directly beside Alec’s ear. “We’ll _definitely_ continue this later, though.” Jace whispered in his ear, his hot breath making Alec shiver. Then, he licked Alec’s earlobe briefly before pulling back. Jace chuckled at Alec’s expression before running out of the Infirmary.

Alec blinked once. Twice. His fingers touched his ear gently. _What just happened?_

He broke out of his reverie when someone called his name.

“Morning, Alec.”

Alec glanced to the side and saw Clary walking in, approaching his bed. Alec’s eyes widened in realization. Jace was dating Clary, what was Jace _thinking?_

“Uh, Clary, did you—did you see that?”

Clary chuckled, but her eyes were tinged with sadness. “Yes.” She nodded.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know—Jace, he just started—”

“Calm down, Alec.” Clary said as she sat on the chair Jace previously sat on.

“What…?” Alec furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“I… broke up with Jace.” Clary confessed.

Alec straightened up, and he winced when the movement upset his wounds.  
“What? Why?”

“You see, Alec, the previous night’s accident just… made me realize something, I guess.” Clary said, a bitter smile on her face.

Alec just kept staring at her in confusion.

“Jace and I… our relationship isn’t what it used to be. Since a few months ago, I started to feel that Jace was drifting away from me. Our relationship’s not the same anymore. And I realized that he started gravitating towards you. I tried to convince myself that it’s not what it looks like, I tried to convince myself, that Jace is truly in love with me. That Jace doesn’t have any feelings for you. I even tried to bring it up once… I asked Jace if he had feelings for you. He brushed it off. And I thought maybe I was just being weird, I was just being insecure.” Clary spoke, a faraway look in her eyes as she fiddled with her fingers.

“But after last night’s events… it just became clear and undeniable to me,” Clary met Alec’s eyes, “that somewhere along the way, Jace had fallen in love with you. That what Jace and I had wasn’t true love. That he never really loved me like… like I loved him.”

Alec opened his mouth and closed it again. He didn’t know what to say. He was speechless.

“So we talked last night, and well, we broke up. At least things ended amicably.” Clary smiled.

“Clary… I…”

“I guess it was really you all along. You are the one he’s in love with, even when he didn’t seem to realize it.”

“Clary, I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. I should be the one apologizing. All this time, I thought you were the one in the way of our happiness, when it was me who was actually in the way between you and Jace. I suspected him being in love with you since a few months ago, yet I lied to myself and still pushed through with the engagement. I’m sorry, Alec.”

Alec stared at Clary in gratitude and newfound appreciation. “It’s okay, Clary. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll find someone better.” Simon’s face appeared briefly in his mind.

“Yeah, maybe I will. Take care of him, Alec.” Clary ended, squeezing his hand gently as she stood up to leave.

Alec nodded, smiling. “I will. Thanks, Clary.”

She nodded, returning his smile, before walking away.

 


End file.
